Trading with love.

My heart aches for you. Even God does not know how much I miss you.

Even now. After everything.

How? I know the person you have become. I know you don’t care.

Then why does my skin feel like needles are tearing it apart trying to scribble your name with my blood on it every time I wake up? Why do I think the sun has lost its warmth and the ground beneath my legs is falling apart piece by piece? I feel like I’m drowning in lava. My lungs are turning into ashes and my heart is melting. The vains you filled with black poison are leaving traces in the rivers of molten stones. The places I used to feel your breath on my skin are burning the slowest, as if to remind me of my addiction. Each of my bones is being crushed by the strong current, turning to dust, exactly the way it felt when you held me in your hands.

LET ME GO.

I wake up. But it’s all the same. The pain in my chest does not go away. I’m still missing the piece of my heart that I gave to you. Now, my love, it is you who is whole and I am a hole.

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Remorse.

I was born to meet you
and suffer.

I was made to love you
and get hurt.

My purpose was to entwine my life with yours
and die.

Excuses were your magic power,
used to twist my mind.

The lies you sang ’round and ’round
just scorched my heart.

Your promises about our future
were like the water in a desert.

But I kept suffocating in the heat of your pride and ego,
always being last, forgotten.

Oh, and I wanted you gone,
missing,
vanished,
erased
from my destined path.

Woe, you stayed.

I’ve met many like you,
all-powerful and selfish,
self-consumed and egocentric,
broken beyond mending.

They’ve all ended in my dumpster for the lost and useless,
for those who take and don’t return.

No mercy did I show to them,
nor will I show to you.

After all, my love,
you taught me how to run and never look back.

 

Elemental love.

The clouds spin before my eyes like rose petals with invisible thorns,
as I move in circles around your gravity field waiting to be crushed.

The eyes you wear tonight are made from the cold breeze of an Antarctica night.
They light up my way, alas, to the path of living under the blue ice.
Then a whirlpool of your passion leads me to the Land of you and me.

The wind there is blowing around me,
bringing a whisper of your voice.
It shatters my bones,
cuts through my lungs,
corrodes my stomach.
Because I desire you the way a deaf musician craves the sound.

Your volcano lips scorch my skin,
just the way the lava kisses a shell to make a fire pearl.
Like a flower in a jar of ashes, you leave me molten from infatuation.
So I wait for your attention.

Bolts of lightning are shining from your hands,
piercing the cells of my body every time you touch me.
My blood and flesh turn into ashes,
so our love can be impossibly reborn inside your never ending loop of come and gos.

And still..

I walk through the desert of your presence,
which sucks the time in a forgotten hole,
makes tsunamis cease their attack on the shore,
halts tornados in the midst of their lonely despair.

Because it’s all a part of you.

Because your love is like the elements.
I can never tame it.
I can never have it.

(Un)Truth.

Sometimes I notice that I turn around as if looking for something. Something that is not there, but I cannot quite grasp what that is. I can’t name the feeling because I haven’t felt that way before.

Yesterday I found out.

It is not “something” I am missing. It’s someone. You, to be precise.
I realized it when I turned around to get the jar with sugar for my coffee. That’s when your face flashed in front of my mind, as if you were standing there, all flesh and bones. I heard your voice in my head “Stop killing the coffee with sugar” and I felt your hand on my cheek.
And the strange, hollow feeling was gone.

I never knew what a huge part of my heart was missing before you came into my life and… then just left.
I didn’t know that I wasn’t whole. But it was okay, I was doing fine. Because I didn’t know what it was like to be complete.
Until you showed me.
And then you fled.

You know, I would rather live in a lie. I would rather live with a hole inside my chest, without realizing, rather than knowing. Because that would mean I had you and I lost you.

Unmendable.

Seasons come and go,
hurricanes hit villages and distroy them, so they can be rebuild again.
Ice melts, water freezes.
Islands get swallowed by water, others are made by volcanos.
Just like that your love came and went.
Your soul whispered into my ear that it needed help.
Alas, I never managed to learn what troubled you.
Were you feeling lonely?
Did you need to run away?
Were you bullied?
Was the money not enough to get through another day?
Did you have monsters under your bed, creeping at your window and hiding in your closet?
Or were they in the mirror?
Was it you, who you were trying to run away from?

I tried to help.
I thought that maybe love would be enough, if only I gave all of it.
Honestly, I did.
Back then I thought it could never be enough for a guy like you.
So perfect, so kind.
Now I know, that I gave more than I could.

Now I am empty.
I am wearing a crown of despair, embroidered with gems of your lies,
a cloak of shadows from our memories, always running on my heels.
I have a dress of hopes, so worn out and torn apart, it is hardly recognizable.
My shoes are love, but black and corrupted, turning light into dark.
I wear make up made of bright red tears, as my heart cries for you.
So I walk.I walk the path of needles toward your heart, trying to reach out to you and save you.
I never realized I kept losing myself along the way.
Or I did, but it didn’t matter anyway?

Now it’s too late.I taste suffocating flames around my lips, rising from the hell inside your soul.
Your eyes, forever frozen with unknown fear, are freezing the prayers in my blood.What broke you so much, my dear, that even the truest and purest love could not heal?

What chained your happiness in a cage of thorns?
What drove your eyes to bleed with rage?What made your lips to burn with lies?

Tell me, so I can save us both.

King of my soul.

You came into my heart
Slowly and gently. 

You picked up the broken pieces,

wandered the world to find the missing ones as well,

and you made it whole again.

You released the faith and joy from the prison of past I had created.
You were my angel, 

who made time and space look like tiny grains of sand.

You were the oxygen in the deepest ocean,

the light that kept the monsters at bay,

my invisible, unbreakable armor from evil eyes.
But your name was Lucifer. 
Where you create, twice you ruin.

The fire of love you give, you turn into ashes of hate. 

You led me to a path of molten lava,

to peel off every layer of belief I had in you,

Slowly and painfully.
You enjoy a broken soul. 

No

You crave to break a soul. 
Father of hell, you drank my happiness

from a goblet made of my heart. 

You kept boiling my love into a fire pit, 

until there was nothing left but hope.
Oh, and I had hoped

Wanted. 

Wished

Craved.

Pleaded.

For you to get back to the man you were, 

to become again the better you.

Who used to murmLusoft words late at night in his sleep,

to have your arms around me like a shelter in a thunderstorm.

But mistaken I was. 
There was never a better you. 
It was all a lie, 

A feast for the one, who burried his heart and soul in heaven, 

so that he would never appreciate what he had lost. 

For centuries you have been searching a way to fill the void in your chest.

And there I was, just an innocent soul, 

which you broke into pieces 

and

added to your miserable collection that will never make you whole again.

Your name is Lucifer. 

Life.

‘Life. What is life? Countless words have been written and spoken about this topic, yet no entirely correct answer has been given. I’m just going to put my opinion in here and it’d be your decision to read it or not – I mean, these are the thoughts of a 20-year-old girl.

“What do you know about life? You think that clouds are trampolines and unicorns that shit rainbows have castles on them.” – That would probably be your very first reaction. But of course, it would be. People are used to jumping into conclusions before hearing out the person in front of them. Hell, most human beings will have made you a criminal just because you haven’t shaved your beard or will make you a whore, for having a tattoo by the time you have had the time to say “Hello”.

Now, when I’ve made you think about it, there are two case scenarios.

  1. You get mad at me for telling you how narrow minded you are and you move on to the next meaningless WordPress article.
  2. You actually think about it and you keep reading.

It really doesn’t matter what you chose, after all these are just a few words in a blog post, that I’m sure someone has already said.

It’s true that I’m not a 90-year-old man survival of WW2, but I’ve also seen people close walk out of my life. It might not have been from enemy bullets in the chest, but I’ve felt my soul being thorn apart from a traitor’s knife. In the war they give orders and you follow no matter the outcome – doesn’t matter if you have to terminate a child or an adult, because it’s kill or be killed. Well, we’re living in the 21st century and being in a peaceful country or not, everyone is having a battle for their souls. Going to the very top or aiming for the top, knowing you can’t reach it being yourself? That’s Shakespeare’s question in 21st century.

It’s true that no commander has given me orders, but I, as well as you too, obey life’s rules – be the predator or die. Seems pretty easy, doesn’t it? But when you realize that in order to be the predator you need to do sacrifice whatever it takes, things get complicated.

From the moment of your birth until you start your conscious life you know nothing else but good and awesome adventures. You see the buttons on mom’s jacket as sweets, the path from your bed to the kitchen as a journey and you rule that invisible kingdom of yours hidden in your closet. Then high school comes knocking on the front door and university on the back door and you realize that some things like honesty and love are rare. You start understanding that nothing is what it seems – what is this? A smile or a fake smile? You are confused, I mean, that’s not what the movies say it would be. Teachers treat you like a garbage, your classmates call you a “nerd” because you scored 9/10 and throw things at you to “teach the loser a lesson”. Reality turns into a nightmare and nightmares turn into reality. You graduate and you find a job, where everyone would give an eye for power. Year after year you work hard to earn that CEO position but then the whore that’s been sleeping with the boss gets it.

Then you turn the page. Scruples, faith and love soon become useless, according to your busy, trying to reach the top self. You have less and less time for the people that care about you and love you, just because.. well, they will always be there, I mean they have always been, right? You gotta make acquaintances in work and bribe the customers to ensure your place this time. You wake up and start playing a different role in front of different people so you get what you want and when you come home, broken, with no humanity and soul left inside of you, you yell at the few people who still haven’t left the shell that’s left of you, just because they asked “how did work go”. You yelled because you are ashamed of yourself, ashamed to say it out loud.

And this is how your life goes on, until you think you reached the top and you realize there is no one around you to tell you “I am proud of you, you did good.”. Just because you turned into someone else, so you could win. Look around you, it’s noisy and crowded but so empty at the same time, right? That’s because you burned the castle of love you had to the ground.Now there is no one on your side, you see the threat everywhere, because you pushed away your shield – the people, who had no power or money to give you, just love and support.

Great job, you achieved nothing so far.

Stop for a second, take a breath, pay attention to your loved ones, keep them close to your heart, be honest and good, because the spot under the lights is a lonely place, that everyone around you wants it.

Remember that you were one of these people, when you got to this place. Remember how you got there.

This is life. Hurry up and stop. Prioritize –  Fix your mistakes before it’s too late, because the road to the top might be slower and harder with honesty and hard work, but at least you won’t lose yourself on the way. When you have a gun pointed at you, doesn’t always mean you should kneel and ask for mercy, there are 146 other possibilities, but you need to get your brain working. Or at least that’s what Harvey Specter from “Suits” says. The choice is yours.

Void.

-Hello? Is anybody there? Can you help me?

No one answered.

-I am lost.

Nothing again.

-My name is Light. I give hope.

Light didn’t give up. Everything was so dark, she couldn’t even see her brightest ray. She could not remember how she got there, moments ago she was watching over a little girl, with a pure innocent heart, swinging under the blue sky. The view of the sunset, reflecting in the ocean and the dog of the girl barking in circles around her, trying to protect her. What happened?

Suddenly, there were pictures… No, wait. These were memories? Light felt like she was the girl, but she couldn’t interact, she could just stand and watch hopelessly.

***

-Wait, Fin. There is something I have to tell you. – I.. No, the girl. The girl stopped as she was walking and met his eyes. – I have feelings for you. I’ve been in l…

-Shut up. I don’t want to hear any of this. I told you it was a one time thing. It meant nothing. – His face was ice cold.

-No, I know you feel it. Just let me show you what love feels like, don’t be afraid of the happiness.

-I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP. – He slapped her face so hard, that bells started ringing in her ears.

After that the memory started fading, until there was only darkness again.

***

– Daddy? When are you coming home? – She was holding a phone, with tears in her eyes. – No, everything is okay. I just wanted to make sure you are coming soon. – She looked at her bruised hands and the blood dripping off her cheek. – Oh.. I see.. But you said you’d come home months ago. – The blood mixing with the tears, that were soaking in her wound. – Yes, dad, I understand you are only trying to ensure.. Yes.. But, I wish.. It’s Christmas, dad.

It did not matter that he hit her again, it did not matter they called her an orphan’s whore, all it mattered was that she wanted her the only family left for her to be here for Christmas. She didn’t know how long he had, she just wanted to see him one more time.

The memory faded once again.

***

This memory was different. It started with the taste of ocean in the air, sunlight on a girl’s pale skin. She was a little girl, playing in the back yard with her dog. The sky was blue and the birds were singing. As she was swinging, her dad came. He hugged her tight and whispered “I’m so sorry, pumpkin. It’s just you and me now.”

She spent every following day waiting for her mother to come home, waiting to hear her laugh, feel the warmth of her arms, but she never came back home.

***

The last memory faded and the coldness and fear started creeping in. That’s where the darkness was coming – she was standing on the edge of a cliff in the middle of the night, the cliff where she last saw her mother.

Suddenly Light realized that the girl from the memories and the girl she remembered were the same.  The once little girl wasn’t innocent and pure now, but it was her. Broken, left alone to drown in an ocean of sorrow.

The girl spread her arms and prepared to jump in the ocean of darkness.

-NO, JANE. STOP. – Light screamed but it was already too late.

Dead but united.

Darkness all around us. Darkness uniting us. Darkness making us who we are.
What was there even before the beginning of time itself? It was this void, this darkness. It will never be gone, because it is everywhere. People cannot always see it, but it is there. You know it, you have sensed it. Yes, with the corner of your eyes, in a place in your heart, that you thought it had been cured, or in your room where the light of the lamp next to your bed is flickering and shadows are creeping in. Darkness doesn’t have a shape. It is nothingness, yet it is everywhere. No matter how strong the light is, there, at the end of the ray of light, a drop of darkness will be eating it, crushing it, becoming stronger.
Someday, there will only be darkness again and only those who have accepted this, will be able to survive.
There is no good or bad, when the only thing you care about is surviving. The only way you do it, is by uniting with the rest. No killing, no stealing, no crushed hearts and memories. Because all you have is darkness and all you know is surviving.

Dying is not the worst part.

What does dying feel like? Where do you go after you die?

Many people ask these questions but let me tell you this: don’t. You don’t want to find out.

I was a normal girl like you are but then.. Well, I died. I had a family, a boyfriend and friends. I had just graduated from my university and I was looking for a job when this happened.
I was out with my sister-in-law and I had missed my last bus so I decides to walk. It wasn’t far, about 15 mins on foot and the street was never dark, there were always lamps lighting up every corner. I was on skype, chatting with my boyfriend and my headphones on when I saw a shadow moving. I remember texting “babe it’s really shitty to be walking home alone. Why are you working now? ;/”. Then things got messy. It wasn’t one shadow, they were 3. Three dirty looking guys, probably on drugs. I tried to stay calm and walk away but one of them grabbed my hand and the phone slipped through my fingers, falling on the ground. The screen was totally broken and unusable.
They started talking to me, touching me. One of them asked me something but I didn’t answer. It made him mad so he pushed me into the wall so strong I hit my head. I got dizzy and my feet weren’t able to keep me standing, also the fear froze my mind. I couldn’t move or talk. Later on, they took my clothes off. That was the moment my hand moved on its own and hit one of the men. It was a mistake. He just broke it. I couldn’t find my voice to scream for help. They raped me. Each of them did. But that wasn’t the end. They couldn’t let me live. I’d seen their faces. They wanted me to suffer. They stabbed me in the stomach multiply times, many small cuts so I can die slower. They went away laughing and left me to die. It was so light I could see the blood dripping off my naked body. It hurt so bad. Suddenly, my phone started ringing. I crawled to reach it. I heard my boyfriends voice but I couldn’t understand a word.
-Make it stop, babe.
My last words to the person I loved were these.
Then I died. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to have a job, a career and a life.
And here comes the part, where I answer your questions. I wasn’t a ghost, I didn’t reborn and I surely didn’t go to heaven. I stayed here on Earth as.. Nothing.
The worst part about dying isn’t dying itself. It’s about seeing the people you loved suffer because of you and then seeing them forget you. But you don’t fade away. You just sit and watch helpless how their lives go on without you. And realize they never needed you.