Sometimes I notice that I turn around as if looking for something. Something that is not there, but I cannot quite grasp what that is. I can’t name the feeling because I haven’t felt that way before.

Yesterday I found out.

It is not “something” I am missing. It’s someone. You, to be precise.
I realized it when I turned around to get the jar with sugar for my coffee. That’s when your face flashed in front of my mind, as if you were standing there, all flesh and bones. I heard your voice in my head “Stop killing the coffee with sugar” and I felt your hand on my cheek.
And the strange, hollow feeling was gone.

I never knew what a huge part of my heart was missing before you came into my life and… then just left.
I didn’t know that I wasn’t whole. But it was okay, I was doing fine. Because I didn’t know what it was like to be complete.
Until you showed me.
And then you fled.

You know, I would rather live in a lie. I would rather live with a hole inside my chest, without realizing, rather than knowing. Because that would mean I had you and I lost you.


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