Dying is not the worst part.

What does dying feel like? Where do you go after you die?

Many people ask these questions but let me tell you this: don’t. You don’t want to find out.

I was a normal girl like you are but then.. Well, I died. I had a family, a boyfriend and friends. I had just graduated from my university and I was looking for a job when this happened.
I was out with my sister-in-law and I had missed my last bus so I decides to walk. It wasn’t far, about 15 mins on foot and the street was never dark, there were always lamps lighting up every corner. I was on skype, chatting with my boyfriend and my headphones on when I saw a shadow moving. I remember texting “babe it’s really shitty to be walking home alone. Why are you working now? ;/”. Then things got messy. It wasn’t one shadow, they were 3. Three dirty looking guys, probably on drugs. I tried to stay calm and walk away but one of them grabbed my hand and the phone slipped through my fingers, falling on the ground. The screen was totally broken and unusable.
They started talking to me, touching me. One of them asked me something but I didn’t answer. It made him mad so he pushed me into the wall so strong I hit my head. I got dizzy and my feet weren’t able to keep me standing, also the fear froze my mind. I couldn’t move or talk. Later on, they took my clothes off. That was the moment my hand moved on its own and hit one of the men. It was a mistake. He just broke it. I couldn’t find my voice to scream for help. They raped me. Each of them did. But that wasn’t the end. They couldn’t let me live. I’d seen their faces. They wanted me to suffer. They stabbed me in the stomach multiply times, many small cuts so I can die slower. They went away laughing and left me to die. It was so light I could see the blood dripping off my naked body. It hurt so bad. Suddenly, my phone started ringing. I crawled to reach it. I heard my boyfriends voice but I couldn’t understand a word.
-Make it stop, babe.
My last words to the person I loved were these.
Then I died. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to have a job, a career and a life.
And here comes the part, where I answer your questions. I wasn’t a ghost, I didn’t reborn and I surely didn’t go to heaven. I stayed here on Earth as.. Nothing.
The worst part about dying isn’t dying itself. It’s about seeing the people you loved suffer because of you and then seeing them forget you. But you don’t fade away. You just sit and watch helpless how their lives go on without you. And realize they never needed you.



How am i supposed to help you when I can’t help myself? How am I supposed to tell you what to do or where to go, when i don’t have a clue where I should even be.

You ask for my help and i give it. I give it all every time a person like you wants a shoulder to cry on.

But I gave it all.

There is nothing left but an empty heart.

I have no soul anymore. I sold it to the people who needed it “more”. I sold my love to them, my hopes and happiness, because they didn’t have these things.

Now I have nothing and people complain why I am such a bitch instead of sharing what I once gifted to them. I never complained, never cried and never asked for help when I needed it the most.

Why are you here now, when it’s too late? Why are you watching me in the white restriction shirt? Why are you in my room?

Go away. I don’t need you anymore. It’s too late. I don’t have a soul and I’ve lost my sense along my road to here. I have nothing. So I’m sitting in my room with a white restriction shirt and you are all watching. Why? Why now? There’s nothing more to take from me. I have nothing left. I am just sitting here, wondering why are you so late.


Trapt inside. Part 1~

Dear James,

The sky is blue, the birds are singing their beautiful songs. I can see a fox catching a mouse for her babies. There is a wolf trying to charm a pretty female and to make her happy till the rest of her days. Just like I want you. The bees, working hard, flying from one flower to another. A lovely day, isn’t it? I wish I could spend it with you. I wish you were still here with me, but you are not. You decided to go save a world, which even isn’t yours. You silly, clumsy, little sun, why do you take such a big part of my heart? Why do you mean so much? But i don’t get one thing, why did you leave me just a note why didn’t you tell me about it? Why didn’t you take me with you? Ah, so many questions and not many answers. My only hope is that you are doing good, that you are safe and sound.
It’s been an year already, and I didn’t stop looking for a way to come to you. Maybe you are trapt, tortured or maybe you’ve loved another. I won’t find out if I give up on finding a way to come to you, because you ain’t coming back to me.
I spoke to professors, paranormal experts, the FBI and whoever you think of and they don’t know where you could possibly be. The only chance that I have left is a women calling herself ‘the Fallen’. Actually, I didn’t know anything about her till one night. I was sleeping and I dreamt this wind whispering the word “fallen”. At first I didn’t think of it as something special, but then as I was dreaming it every night I decided to google it, to find it’s meaning. After some research I found it is a ‘witch’s’ name. Well, I believe, witch is strong word, so I am not having my hopes up for nothing. 

I will write you in my next letter to tell you how it went. 

Only yours, Alice.

Red soul.

She was there in the dark, waiting for someone to find her. To show her the right way, to lead her. Ah, and how cold she felt. Not just her shaking body felt cold, but her soul was freezing, left alone in the forest. Do you know the feeling to always be the bad one? Do you know what it’s like to live a lonely life? No? Well, she does. People that were supposed to be her dearest, kept disappointing her, letting her down, without even realizing that she was losing herself more and more day by day. No one realized she was going deeper and deeper into the forest.

The girl was sitting on a rock with her hands around her knees, the pale face of hers was covered with dust, blood and her crystal tears were falling down her cheeks. The usually shiny hair was now shaggy and thatched. What’s left from her clothes was covered with blood, pieces skin and dirt. The lonely creature didn’t even have shoes and her feet were scratched and hurt. But that pain was just.. pain.. She liked it. She thought that she began to lose her mind, but maybe, just maybe pain wasn’t that bad, was it? It made her feel less the cold wrapping around her soul.

The Moon was rising, but the clouds were too thick to actually let any light touch the girl’s face. It was as if even the world wanted her to suffer, as if the whole world wanted her dead.


Her inner voice was so weak, almost inaudible. Why did they do this to her? She gave them everything. She was always there for them and once, just once she needed them so desperately, but no one was around. The boy she thought would always support her and lift her up when she falls did, actually, made her fall. The girl that was supposed to give her reason to pull it together after the break up, just disappeared: had better things to do. And at this very moment she was completely alone.

But the planet didn’t stop spinning, life continued even with this dying girl, desperately needing help. One ray of silver moonlight lit up her face. Even so miserable she still looked pretty, she could find a reason to live, she might if only.. if only there was someone to show her. Right?

Oh, the pain. It didn’t want to stop, like it was sucking all the hope and any chance of her, getting on her feet. It kept getting worse. She started twisting in agony. There was also fear, but not of death. Fear that she would keep existing even after dying. She wanted to disappear, to be as If she was never born. The life was letting go of her, she started feeling her body different. The girl used her dying will to imagine the people who betrayed her, but also the people she loved.

They couldn’t actually be only bad, right? They might have had their reasons not to be there for me.

Suddenly, the pain in her chest became unbearable and she made a heartbreaking scream. She felt like her heart was being crashed, smashed, torn apart. Her nails were scratching her own skin, trying to make it stop.

Wait, something was wrong. Could it.. be? She heard it. She heard a voice. But, no one should be able to find her here? And yet, the tall figure was standing a meter further. He was here. He was here for her. She knew he was different. The lost girl lifted her hand and tried to reach for the boy’s.

NO! It’s too late. Stay back.

A sharp pain made her whole body shake at once. It happened so fast that her spine broke.


He saw her lips say his name, but he couldn’t hear it. Her hand hung in the air for a second and then fell. A red tear fell off with the last beat of her heart.

Yes, it was the last beat of her heart, but the pain didn’t stop. Her body started changing. Her skin was turning black, her hair falling, the teeth growing bigger so as her nails. Now there were no screams, just an animal roars. Her last conscious thought was to tell him to run, but she only made her lips move. It was enough. It had to be enough. But why, why wasn’t he running? Another roar. She couldn’t control herself anymore. She had only two thoughts: Punish. Feed. She jumped over the boy, licked his cheek, and made something like a smile. She started making deep scratches in his chest. His screams where so sad, he kept saying how much he was sorry, how much he loved her. But she was no more.

With one last move she ripped his heart out.

The Moon turned red, making the ground covered with blood and flesh, sparkle.


Drowing in my own tears. They are squeezing my neck like the Devil’s hand. Or worse.
They are full of memories. And the worst is that they were once the ones that kept my heart warm, pure, the ones that kept my heart beating. For you.
It still beats for you, though. Just find it. Tell it you need me. Tell it you miss me. Tell it you can’t live without me. And it will be warm again. Whole again.
No matter how many times you break it, when you say the magic words, with the proper eyes and tone, its whole again. Fondly, waiting for you to seek for it again. To feel your love again.
But until then, all I have left are just tears, a couple of toys you gave me, and the bracelets.


Anyone who had experienced love, would know that it hurts, sometimes more than it makes you happy. 

-Lulu we are going to be late. You need to hurry! – I cried in the end of the stairs. Lulu and her hair. Uh! 

-Coming in a minute, babe. Be patinet. I need to be pretty.

-But you always are.- I mumbled, and took the car keys. -Will wait for you in the car! – I said louder.

I was 19 and I had a couple of months to graduate, Lulu was in the other class. She had this awesome red curly hair, which always smelled like something between bananas and stawberries, and was so soft. 

-See I was that fast today, Jake. – she smiled with the most beautiful smile ever. 

-Sure, my ass. – I was playing mad but she gave me a sandwich and said:

– I even made breakfast.

Couldnt help it. Just kissed her.

The day at shcool passed boring, then we came home. We were supposed to cook fried chicken with salad. I made the salad and Lulu did the rest.

-Uh, you souldn’t slice it like that. It has to be wider. Uh, when we get married I will do that, for god’s sake.

I didn’t know what to say. So I stayed quiet.

When we started having dinner, something with her was wrong, but I waited for her to spit it out. Finally she did.

-So, babe, what was that girl from today? The one you were looking at so much? And talking to her like she was more than a God?

-Um, you?

-Don’t play stupid!- she yelled and throw her glass of wine to the wall – Tell me who she is and were you doing with her, or I swear I will rip her heart out!

-Lulu, calm down. There was no one. I don’t even remember talking to someone, what about looking at someone. – I didn’t know what she was talking about, I swear.

-I told you not to play stupid! – she started throwing things 

-Babe, please calm down! Let’s talk. Give me a chance..


-Lulu..-I stood up and went to her. Tried to hug her but I got a slap.

-Leave me alone!- tears were falling of her eyes, like falling stars. 

I tried to stop her but she ran away with the keys for the car. Something was telling me that it won’t end well, that I need to hurry, or it would be too late. Well, it already was. 

I got the BMV, drove as fast as I could, I saw Lulu’s car, stopped at the left side of the bridge. She was sitting on the fance with a gun in her hands. I was terrified.

-Babe, put it down. Let’s fix this. Please. I beg you. You still love me, right? Put it down, Lulu. 

-We always fix things, and in the end nothing is fixed. Once broken you cannot mend it. It stays broken. Why did you do this to me, Jake? Why? I loved you. I wanted to marry you, and you didn’t say anything. Why did you choose her instead of me? – She was crying like a little child. She just wasn’t herself. 

-I did not do anything. I love only you. My eyes see only you. Please put the gun down. Please, Lulu, I love you. – a tear fell. As fast as the bullet stroke her.-NO!

I ran and cought her lifeless body.

-No…. No.. It.. It can’t be real. Why.. Lulu.. please.. Marry me.. Please.. Say yes.. 

I couldn’t stop the tears, nor the screams. 

-Screams and tears won’t bring her back, boy. – The shadow on the other end of the bridge, laughed.


Sometimes no matter how hard we try, happiness slips through our fingers and it won’t come back. The irony is that we find happiness where it’s obviously not needed. Clearly we suffer quetly, but then we are accused of not caring.

The little candle.

-Mommy, I’m cold. I’m really cold. – Said the little child with curly black hair.

-I know, sweetie. Just go take another blanket and try to sleep a bit.-The mother was almost crying and just wishing for a miracle to warm up her boy.

-But that was the last one. I can’t, mommy. I’m really cold.

She couldn’t say anything, because tears were about to fall. So she kissed his little forehead and gave Mark her blanket.

As the kid fell asleep she reached her pocket. Lin’s hands were shaking so much and were so cold that she nearly dropped the contain. She started praying and in a minute in her hands there was a little candle. There was a sign saying ‘Use when nothing can help. But be careful. Everything has a price.’

She looked at her child then back at the candle and with tears on her cheeks, she lit the candle and the room almost immediately got warm and cosy, but the little wax ‘friend’ got smaller.

Lin lied next to Mark and closed her eyes.

The next day wasn’t better, it was even worse. In the morning she send her child to school. Then went to work in the factory near by. When they were both back she cooked a dinner. They ate quietly. 

-Mark who did this to you? – Lin had noticed the buises on his left wrist.

-No one, mom. Drop it. 


-It was a classmate of mine. He was just being a jerk. Forget it. Okay? I’m fine.-he started yelling and stood up from the table then went to bed.-Why it has to be so cold. I just want a little warmth. Is that so much to ask for? 

When she heard what Mark said, her heart broke. She waited till her boy fell asleep and did everything again. But the candle got even smaller. When the room got warmer the kid slacked off.

The other day was ever worse. The temperatures were killing. The snow was more than 3 meters high. They stayed home the whole day. It was so cold. And because Lin couldn’t make it to work, there was nothing in the fridge. She was watching the boy suffer the whole night. Before Mark fell asleep, Lin could hear him sobbling. The mother spent half of the night staring at her boy, crying, feeling like she was the worst person, because she couldn’t even make her child happy. 

-Sorry, Mark. I love you.-the words echoed in the empty room. 

She lit the candle for the last time. The last Lin saw was her boy being warm and saying:

-Thanks, mommy, thanks for taking care of me.

Then she fell on the ground, lifeless, and the candle disappeared from her hands. The mother died for her son, died giving her soul for him, because everytime she had lit the candle, Lin had given a part from her soul and life. A part from her.

A simple lie.

The little plume coming out of her coffee cup. The warmth and the smell attracting her senses. 

-Leo, here, your breakfast. I promise you I will buy you something different than a chicken. – Tells the girl to her dog and pets it.- I really gotta go now, you know. Wish me luck and wake Jay up in a bit, okay buddy?

She drinks from the coffee and takes a cookie from the drawer. 

-Babe? Why are you up so early? – Jay walks towards her with his eyes nearly closed and kisses her. 

-Ah, I forgot to tell you that I had to go earier. I’m sorry. You go to sleep. I will call you in an hour? Okay?

He nods and leaves the girl with the curly red hair to get her keys and drink the rest of the coffee.

As she sits in the car she pulls out her phone and dials a number. 

-What’s the next task? – No trace of the good mood, the love and the kindness. Just her cold voice and her emotional devoided face.

-Kevin Tossel. Eliminate him. 

-I’m on it.