Sea paradise

Let’s sail away, honey
to reach the far end of the world
where no land is seen
and the mermaids make us seashell crowns
we could be a king and queen
of this little paradise
the wind would sing our wedding march
we would free Calypso of her tainted love
and take her blessing as a gift
no one would reach us here, dear
remember when we helped the Kraken?
yes, he is here now as well
to guard us of the envy
with a thousand pearls in our feet
we would kiss underneath the smile of Alectrona
and after we grow old together
don’t be scared, love
we would sail to Charybdis
and into his whirlpool
to have our final feast with the sirens

Ocean and freedom.

I went to the same park we used to hang out.
Sat on the bench we used to make out.
Observed the same ocean we used to admire.
Because after all,
we both exist under the same sky
we both wish upon the same stars
we both breathe the same air.
It was enough for me that you existed under my sun.
You know, I wasn’t waiting for you to show up.
No.
I was waiting for my emotions.
To feel my heart in my throat,
hear the world quieting down,
feel the goosebumps on my skin,
lose track of time and space,
just like before.
And nothing happened.
I wanted
and waited.
All I felt was emptiness and freezing cold.
You
are
just
gone.
It would be silly to say that at this point I smiled.
But I really did.
Now, this IS freedom.

A belgian chocolate filled with love, please.

I see smoke rising far above the snow,
as a guideline for the lost, I follow.
Every step I make grows a little stronger.
Every breath I take becomes deeper.
The cold feels like just an old friend.

We stumbled upon each other on a white December night,
when I dreamily enough crossed your steady way.
Your eyes were fixed on my uneven tie,
moving to the untrimmed beard
and stopped at my pillow hair.

I confess, I got lost in your presence,
busy trying to remember every curl in your hair,
each line of your face,
all the molten chocolate shades in your eyes,
the shape of your lips,
how well the blue of your coat made a contrast with your hair.

The thought of you, my love,
drove me back from the gates of the place,
where good and bad twist,
to evaluate the soul.

As your lips leave stains of warmth on mine,
my heart devours the notes of your pulse,
refining them into a song for two.

It tells a story about the ocean and the sky,
since the beginning of time,
until the dawn of light,
together they stand,
unshaken by trouble,
perpetual remedy for all.

With my eyes closed I feel the last notes going down my spine.
But there is something wrong,
the taste of your chocolate lips is gone.

Suddenly, I look around.
Everything is white with death.
The smoke of your cup is just my dying breath,
even the last memories of your red lips are extinguished,
as they were just the colors of the setting sun, drown away by the moon,
and the sky looking like an endless sea of knowledge,
reminiscing your eyes.

Mon ami,
I wish you knew how much I cherished that afternoon with a scent of certain love coming off your Belgian chocolate cup.

To Inna.

Trading with love.

My heart aches for you. Even God does not know how much I miss you.

Even now. After everything.

How? I know the person you have become. I know you don’t care.

Then why does my skin feel like needles are tearing it apart trying to scribble your name with my blood on it every time I wake up? Why do I think the sun has lost its warmth and the ground beneath my legs is falling apart piece by piece? I feel like I’m drowning in lava. My lungs are turning into ashes and my heart is melting. The vains you filled with black poison are leaving traces in the rivers of molten stones. The places I used to feel your breath on my skin are burning the slowest, as if to remind me of my addiction. Each of my bones is being crushed by the strong current, turning to dust, exactly the way it felt when you held me in your hands.

LET ME GO.

I wake up. But it’s all the same. The pain in my chest does not go away. I’m still missing the piece of my heart that I gave to you. Now, my love, it is you who is whole and I am a hole.

Remorse.

I was born to meet you
and suffer.

I was made to love you
and get hurt.

My purpose was to entwine my life with yours
and die.

Excuses were your magic power,
used to twist my mind.

The lies you sang ’round and ’round
just scorched my heart.

Your promises about our future
were like the water in a desert.

But I kept suffocating in the heat of your pride and ego,
always being last, forgotten.

Oh, and I wanted you gone,
missing,
vanished,
erased
from my destined path.

Woe, you stayed.

I’ve met many like you,
all-powerful and selfish,
self-consumed and egocentric,
broken beyond mending.

They’ve all ended in my dumpster for the lost and useless,
for those who take and don’t return.

No mercy did I show to them,
nor will I show to you.

After all, my love,
you taught me how to run and never look back.

 

Elemental love.

The clouds spin before my eyes like rose petals with invisible thorns,
as I move in circles around your gravity field waiting to be crushed.

The eyes you wear tonight are made from the cold breeze of an Antarctica night.
They light up my way, alas, to the path of living under the blue ice.
Then a whirlpool of your passion leads me to the Land of you and me.

The wind there is blowing around me,
bringing a whisper of your voice.
It shatters my bones,
cuts through my lungs,
corrodes my stomach.
Because I desire you the way a deaf musician craves the sound.

Your volcano lips scorch my skin,
just the way the lava kisses a shell to make a fire pearl.
Like a flower in a jar of ashes, you leave me molten from infatuation.
So I wait for your attention.

Bolts of lightning are shining from your hands,
piercing the cells of my body every time you touch me.
My blood and flesh turn into ashes,
so our love can be impossibly reborn inside your never ending loop of come and gos.

And still..

I walk through the desert of your presence,
which sucks the time in a forgotten hole,
makes tsunamis cease their attack on the shore,
halts tornados in the midst of their lonely despair.

Because it’s all a part of you.

Because your love is like the elements.
I can never tame it.
I can never have it.

(Un)Truth.

Sometimes I notice that I turn around as if looking for something. Something that is not there, but I cannot quite grasp what that is. I can’t name the feeling because I haven’t felt that way before.

Yesterday I found out.

It is not “something” I am missing. It’s someone. You, to be precise.
I realized it when I turned around to get the jar with sugar for my coffee. That’s when your face flashed in front of my mind, as if you were standing there, all flesh and bones. I heard your voice in my head “Stop killing the coffee with sugar” and I felt your hand on my cheek.
And the strange, hollow feeling was gone.

I never knew what a huge part of my heart was missing before you came into my life and… then just left.
I didn’t know that I wasn’t whole. But it was okay, I was doing fine. Because I didn’t know what it was like to be complete.
Until you showed me.
And then you fled.

You know, I would rather live in a lie. I would rather live with a hole inside my chest, without realizing, rather than knowing. Because that would mean I had you and I lost you.

Unmendable.

Seasons come and go,
hurricanes hit villages and destroy them, so they can be rebuild again.
Ice melts, water freezes.
Islands get swallowed by water, others are made by volcanos.
Just like that your love came and went.
Your soul whispered into my ear that it needed help.
Alas, I never managed to learn what troubled you.
Were you feeling lonely?
Did you need to run away?
Were you bullied?
Was the money not enough to get through another day?
Did you have monsters under your bed, creeping at your window and hiding in your closet?
Or were they in the mirror?
Was it you, who you were trying to run away from?

I tried to help.
I thought that maybe love would be enough, if only I gave all of it.
Honestly, I did.
Back then I thought it could never be enough for a guy like you.
So perfect, so kind.
Now I know, that I gave more than I could.

Now I am empty.
I am wearing a crown of despair, embroidered with gems of your lies,
a cloak of shadows from our memories, always running on my heels.
I have a dress of hopes, so worn out and torn apart, it is hardly recognizable.
My shoes are love, but black and corrupted, turning light into dark.
I wear make up made of bright red tears, as my heart cries for you.

So I walk.
I walk the path of needles toward your heart, trying to reach out to you and save you.
I never realized I kept losing myself along the way.
Or I did, but it didn’t matter anyway?

Now it’s too late.

I taste suffocating flames around my lips, rising from the hell inside your soul.
Your eyes, forever frozen with unknown fear, are freezing the prayers in my blood.

What broke you so much, my dear, that even the truest and purest love could not heal?
What chained your happiness in a cage of thorns?
What drove your eyes to bleed with rage?
What made your lips to burn with lies?

Tell me, so I can save us both.

King of my soul.

You came into my heart
Slowly and gently. 

You picked up the broken pieces,

wandered the world to find the missing ones as well,

and you made it whole again.

You released the faith and joy from the prison of past I had created.
You were my angel, 

who made time and space look like tiny grains of sand.

You were the oxygen in the deepest ocean,

the light that kept the monsters at bay,

my invisible, unbreakable armor from evil eyes.
But your name was Lucifer. 
Where you create, twice you ruin.

The fire of love you give, you turn into ashes of hate. 

You led me to a path of molten lava,

to peel off every layer of belief I had in you,

Slowly and painfully.
You enjoy a broken soul. 

No. 

You crave to break a soul. 
Father of hell, you drank my happiness

from a goblet made of my heart. 

You kept boiling my love into a fire pit, 

until there was nothing left but hope.
Oh, and I had hoped. 

Wanted. 

Wished

Craved.

Pleaded.

For you to get back to the man you were, 

to become again the better you.

Who used to murmLusoft words late at night in his sleep,

to have your arms around me like a shelter in a thunderstorm.

But mistaken I was. 
There was never a better you. 
It was all a lie, 

A feast for the one, who burried his heart and soul in heaven, 

so that he would never appreciate what he had lost. 

For centuries you have been searching a way to fill the void in your chest.

And there I was, just an innocent soul, 

which you broke into pieces 

and

added to your miserable collection that will never make you whole again.

Your name is Lucifer. 

Dying is not the worst part.

What does dying feel like? Where do you go after you die?

Many people ask these questions but let me tell you this: don’t. You don’t want to find out.

I was a normal girl like you are but then.. Well, I died. I had a family, a boyfriend and friends. I had just graduated from my university and I was looking for a job when this happened.
I was out with my sister-in-law and I had missed my last bus so I decides to walk. It wasn’t far, about 15 mins on foot and the street was never dark, there were always lamps lighting up every corner. I was on skype, chatting with my boyfriend and my headphones on when I saw a shadow moving. I remember texting “babe it’s really shitty to be walking home alone. Why are you working now? ;/”. Then things got messy. It wasn’t one shadow, they were 3. Three dirty looking guys, probably on drugs. I tried to stay calm and walk away but one of them grabbed my hand and the phone slipped through my fingers, falling on the ground. The screen was totally broken and unusable.
They started talking to me, touching me. One of them asked me something but I didn’t answer. It made him mad so he pushed me into the wall so strong I hit my head. I got dizzy and my feet weren’t able to keep me standing, also the fear froze my mind. I couldn’t move or talk. Later on, they took my clothes off. That was the moment my hand moved on its own and hit one of the men. It was a mistake. He just broke it. I couldn’t find my voice to scream for help. They raped me. Each of them did. But that wasn’t the end. They couldn’t let me live. I’d seen their faces. They wanted me to suffer. They stabbed me in the stomach multiply times, many small cuts so I can die slower. They went away laughing and left me to die. It was so light I could see the blood dripping off my naked body. It hurt so bad. Suddenly, my phone started ringing. I crawled to reach it. I heard my boyfriends voice but I couldn’t understand a word.
-Make it stop, babe.
My last words to the person I loved were these.
Then I died. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to have a job, a career and a life.
And here comes the part, where I answer your questions. I wasn’t a ghost, I didn’t reborn and I surely didn’t go to heaven. I stayed here on Earth as.. Nothing.
The worst part about dying isn’t dying itself. It’s about seeing the people you loved suffer because of you and then seeing them forget you. But you don’t fade away. You just sit and watch helpless how their lives go on without you. And realize they never needed you.